Kink and the Vanilla World: How to Talk to Friends, Partners, and Curious Muggles

Because explaining “Yes, I asked them to call me their filthy little pet” over brunch isn’t always easy.

Ah yes, the sacred art of not setting your in-laws on fire with one badly timed mention of your St. Andrew’s Cross. Whether you're freshly unwrapped in the world of kink or a seasoned deviant just trying to live your best life, one truth remains: talking to vanilla folks about BDSM is a minefield of awkward pauses, furrowed brows, and unwanted comparisons to “Fifty Shades.”

But fear not, sugar and spice and everything bound. I’m here to hand you the conversational crop—and teach you how to crack it with flair, grace, and just enough sass to make ‘em curious without traumatizing Grandma.

🍦 First, What Is “Vanilla”?

“Vanilla” isn’t an insult. It’s a flavor. A classic, reliable, widely enjoyed flavor. Vanilla folks are people who prefer their sex and relationships without the bells, whips, contracts, cages, or rituals we kinky creatures so lovingly obsess over.

They can still be adventurous. They might try roleplay or get a little rough during sex. But here’s the thing:

There’s a world of difference between “naughty” and “kinky.”

Let’s break that down.

🔥 Vanilla Naughty vs. BDSM Naughty

❌ Vanilla Naughty

• “We did it in the kitchen while the kids were at grandma’s!”

• “She wore a blindfold and I gave her a surprise.”

• “I spanked him! Once. Softly. He said ow and we laughed.”

This is spontaneous, often playful, and usually dips a toe in without structure, negotiation, or emotional weight.

✅ BDSM Naughty

• “We negotiated a sensory deprivation scene involving breath play and orgasm denial, followed by color-coded aftercare items and a review of our dynamic boundaries.”

• “I spent three days prepping a degradation monologue so intense they safe-worded halfway through and then begged for more after water and a cuddle.”

• “She slept in a cage, wore my collar, and signed a D/s contract outlining our protocols. I woke her at 5 a.m. to kneel and recite her affirmations before her workday.”

See the difference? Vanilla naughty says “let’s try something wild.” BDSM naughty says “let’s co-create something feral and sacred that might ruin me for all others.”

🗣️ So, How Do You Talk About It?

Let’s set the scene. You’re at a party, or a family gathering, or curled up in bed with a new partner who just asked:

“What are you into?” Or worse: “You’re into what?”

Time to pull out the soft ropes and the sharp tongue.

🔹 1. Know Your Audience

Is this someone who’s open-minded? Curious? Judgy? Nosy? Clueless? Tailor your approach accordingly. You don’t need to hand over your kink résumé on a first date or at Thanksgiving dinner. But if you’re looking for intimacy or support, honesty—with boundaries—is your best weapon.

Example for a friend:

“I’m into kink—like BDSM stuff. It’s safe, it’s consensual, and it’s a big part of how I connect with people.”

Example for a new partner:

“I have a Dominant side. It turns me on to be in control, but only with consent and communication. It’s not about being mean—it’s about trust and intensity.”

🔹 2. Ditch the Shame, Own the Power

You’re not broken. You’re not dangerous. You’re not weird. You are honest, brave, and in tune with a part of yourself most people never dare to explore.

You don’t have to justify or explain everything. You’re not a kink missionary converting the vanilla masses. You’re just stating facts:

“This is who I am. This is what I like. You don’t have to like it—but I’d love for you to respect it.”

And if they can’t? That’s not your shame to carry, babe. That’s their box of unexamined repression.

🔹 3. Answer Questions With Sass and Smarts

Let’s face it. People are gonna ask stuff. Some of it will be curious, some clueless, some just plain rude.

“So… do you like pain?” —“Do I like pain? Only on Tuesdays. In lace. With someone who knows how to wield it properly.”

“But aren’t you worried it’s abuse?” —“Only if we skip the consent part. Just like sex, driving, or borrowing my hoodie.”

“Isn’t that like, a trauma thing?” —“Sometimes, for some people. For others, it’s just fun, primal, intimate. Why do you like missionary with the lights off?”

🔹 4. Give Them a Window, Not the Whole Dungeon

You don’t have to detail your impact scene playlist or your safe word protocol. You can say:

“There’s a lot to BDSM—it’s about consent, trust, and power exchange. If you’re ever curious, I’m happy to share. But it’s also totally okay if it’s not your thing.”

That’s how you open a door without throwing someone into a fireman’s carry.

🔹 5. Support for Partners: “I Love You, but I Don’t Get It”

If someone you’re dating or married to finds out you’re kinky and goes full deer-in-headlights, don’t panic.

Let them ask. Let them not understand. Give them space to process. Not everyone wants to play—but if they care about you, they should care enough to learn what your needs are and how they impact your emotional landscape.

And sometimes? The most vanilla partner gets a taste… and surprises you. (That’s how some of the best Daddies are born.)

🧁 TL;DR: Don’t Apologize for Your Flavor

Being kinky doesn’t make you dangerous, gross, or unstable. It makes you intentional. It means you’ve asked hard questions. It means you value consent so much you turned it into art.

So when the vanilla world comes knocking with raised eyebrows, be proud of the palace you’ve built. And if they can’t handle your truth? Sweetheart, that’s just proof they’re not ready for this level of dessert.

🔪 Next Up: Red Flags and Rogue Players: How to Spot the Dangerous Pretenders Because sometimes the only thing scarier than a sadist is a fake one. And we’re about to spill the tea on the creeps, the con artists, and the “Doms” who think safe words are optional.

Want to bring a whip to that next conversation? Or shall we start slow... with a velvet paddle and a safe word?

Or maybe you want to know the signs of a fake submissive because... they exist too. Click here to read that article.